Here is a translation of statements I've heard countless times over the past three decades. As I listen to a client (or would be client) spin their tale of woe, there's a voice in my head decoding the discussion I'm having with them, layering it with the truth of what they're saying. Below is how the conversations start along with what these folks really mean...
"I've been meaning to call you..." My complete lack of planning is now your problem."
"Are you working today?" See above.
"How much to groom a dog?" Unless you offer "dirty dawgs done cheep" grooming you are too expensive.
"I have to talk to my husband, wife, mother, sister, neighbor, cousin, friend, etc. and I'll call you back" You've quoted me $5 more than the "dirty dawgs done cheep" groomer down the street and you will never hear from me again.
"But I've only been paying $50 for my Standard Poodle/Doodle/Old English Sheepdog/Rare Giant Whiffle Hound" Lies.
"She's not matted" She's matted.
"The kids brush her every day" She's matted.
"I left her with a neighbor and they didn't brush her all weekend!" She's matted.
"She played outside yesterday" She's matted.
"I don't want her short" She's matted.
"The last groomer was lazy and shaved off all her hair you won't do that, will you?" The last groomer peeled a year's worth of mats off my dog but she's in better shape this time because it's only been 11 1/2 months!
"He doesn't bite" He bites.
"He just playing" He bites
"He just wants to put his teeth on your hand" He bites
"He growls and shows his teeth but he doesn't bite" He bites.
"He doesn't like (insert laundry list here) but he's never bitten anyone" His previous groomers have the skills of a lion tamer and the reflexes of a ninja.
"He bites" You'd better have hog tying experience and a pair of kevlar gloves.
"My dog is special, old, sick, etc and you have to be very gentle with him" I want you to bend over backward to accommodate me and my arthritic, incontinent and cranky dog but don't dare ask for me to come at a special time, charge any more or keep him any longer than you would a healthy, young, cooperative dog as that would be an inconvenience to me.
"Clip him as short as you can but don't shave him" I want my dog shaved.
"S/he's not a show dog" I think this might be the first time you've ever seen a specimen of this breed and I'm reassuring you that my puppy mill dog who is groomed quarterly is not a closet Champion. No really, we're very worried that you will fret that he won't look like a "Best In Show" dog when you're done...
"Don't make her look like a Poodle" I believe that you are going to conjure up a dark voodoo spell and cause my (insert any breed) to shape shift into a Poodle.
(Seriously? Never in thirty years have I had someone say "Don't make her look like a Shih Tzu." What gives? What IS the obsession with Poodles?)
"Will you call me when he's ready?" Regardless of the fact that you've told me three times he'll be ready at 2:00, if you don't call, I'm not showing up. I will, however, call you at 3:00 to ask if he's finished.
"I have this special shampoo and she can't be bathed with anything else" I stopped at Wal-Mart on the way here because I don't believe that your human grade, $50 a gallon, spa quality shampoo will ever be as gentle on her skin as this Sargeant's Special that I paid $2.99 for. I will call you three days from now to complain that you must have bathed her in something else because she's itching like crazy.
"Grooming is so expensive, I usually do it myself" My dog has been trained that if he struggles, screams and snaps that all grooming activity will cease. He also looks like he's been attacked by zombie wielding a weed whacker and I want you to fix it. Cheaply. Today.
"Do you give multiple discounts?" I own four high maintenance dogs and believe that you should subsidize my lifestyle choices. No rush though because my new Mercedes is being detailed, the housekeeper comes today and I have a spa appointment at 3:00.
"I have a Lab/Golden Doodle" I'm probably stupid.
"I have a Lab/Golden Doodle and the breeder told me it would never shed and only require grooming 2x a year" I am definitely stupid. Conversely, I think that YOU are stupid because you laugh when I inform you that a cross between one of the heaviest shedding breeds and the highest maintenance breed on earth will neither shed nor mat and that it's a "light, wavy, natural coat, requiring little care". Clearly, you don't know this "breed" very well!!
"I'm a regular client" You've seen us twice in the past three years and it's the week before Christmas. Despite the fact that you barely remember me I'm going to state that I"m a "regular" because that will magically clear a spot on your schedule and cause you to exclaim "Sure, come right on over!" (Sometimes paired with name dropping a relative, friend, etc. who actually IS a regular client with the inference that you'll lose the "good" client if you don't give them what they want. Of course, the "good" client booked their Christmas appointment in October....)
"You're the BEST Groomer in the WHOLE WORLD!" If I repeat this ad nauseam you'll put up with my crap forever. Of course, if at any time you fail to deliver exactly what I want, when I want it, for the price I want you will never hear from me again as I go forth in search of the world's TRULY "Greatest Groomer".
"I want to schedule boarding. How much will that be? Wow, I've never boarded a dog before. Yes, go ahead and book us in." As soon as I hang up this phone I am contacting every family member, neighbor and friend within a ten mile radius to see if I can drum up some one who will watch them for free.
"You don't open until 8:00? I HAVE to drop off at 7:30!" I'll come wandering in at 9:00.
"I've tried every groomer in town and no one grooms her right" I am impossible to please and I will never, under any circumstances, be happy with anything you do.
Of course, this doesn't cover everything, but it's a start. The vast majority of my clients are great people with great dogs and I love most of them ; ) It's always amusing though, because the people that do make the above statements think that they are so clever and original!
Happy Grooming!
